Having Different Perspectives

Having Different Perspectives

by | Jun 10, 2020 | Self Care, Self Development, Self Improvement

About four years ago I took a two-day Course in Customer Service Problem Solving Skills and how to deal with Upset Customers and in the Course I remember we had to look at several pictures that had two or three different pictures within one drawing and another that had several hidden items within a picture. Both of these exercises were used to help us see or gain a different perspective to how things are drawn or even sometimes written into something. It is more difficult for us to understand what someone’s meaning is if they don’t fully explain it. What I mean by this is that people speak incompletely. I often called it speaking in riddles. Two particular members of my family would leave things out or not explain their full meanings to something. I was supposed to automatically know what they meant. I am laughing out loud. I have had to think hard and Research and analyze what other people have meant. Can you see me rolling my eyes? 

I recently had a member of my family explain the difference between someone who is Logical and someone who may be too emotional to understand what they mean by something. What I find funny is that when this person played a Ted Talks video on the keys to using facts versus emotions, that within that same Video, it talked about having different perspectives. Nowhere in this tough discussion with this family member did they recognize that. I came to the Conclusion from our discussion that I was the only one who would be able to see their perspective and yet they could not see mine. Head tilt. Bottom line, apparently emotions are not facts. Why couldn’t they just say that? Shrugging it off. How does one have a discussion with someone who is logical and not empathic? Is it possible? 

When I talk about emotions not being fact; to me, all emotions are Valid. It does not mean that another person will take them as Real. Why? Because they can not and are not able to put themselves into your shoes. Because they did not go through what you went through emotionally, things that could have traumatized us or left us feeling abandoned. Empathic people are the Only ones who are able to do this. My emotions were not ever allowed to truly be shown growing up and even now as an Adult sadly. In psychology, therapists talk about this not being seen or even heard. That nothing we said would ever be validated or understood or shown Compassion and to help us work through and identify where our behaviors could be modified. 

Perhaps Interview empathic people who have different perspectives. 

Love me, how?

Love me, how?

by | Apr 10, 2020 | Life Experience, Relationships, Self Development, Self Improvement

    I know a few people who seem to be afraid of the word Love, or to love someone because they may be too busy loving themselves, or even to be loved by someone. You may ask ‘Why’, or I thought everyone wanted to be loved? I believe some people Love so much and so hard, that eventually they get tired of Loving. For me personally, I don’t want to ever not ‘Love’, yet I want to Love myself more now! I do not want to ‘People please’ any longer, or if I do, I want to do it to a Limit, or mostly for my work. Some people also think as giving Love as conditional, that everyone is expecting something back. Their way of being loved may be expected by their partners, or even their family and friends. I believe this is a partial truth, otherwise you are completely being used. 

    I have read the book, “The Five Love Languages”, by Gary Chapman, and it is a phenomenal and not ever more true book. I have also read countless relationship books, that almost seemed to say that relationships can eventually be one-sided. A good relationship must be autonomous and interdependent, not co-dependent. Both people need to be providing for themselves in order for it to be a stable enough union. I have been in numerous relationships in the past twelve years that wound up me being the major giver. Call me selfish. Call me conceited. Call me whatever, yet that’s how it happened for me. Maybe some people can related to this?! I do not ever want to be in a Codependent relationship again, where one person believes they can help or ‘fix’ the other person when they are struggling, only to have a sense of being ‘On Top of the World’, or proud of oneself for loving or giving so much to this other person, NO THANKS!!! 

    So what is the remedy or solution to making any relationship work? We must Learn and know the other person’s Love Language. I have found out what every person in my Life’ Love Language is, and I am going to be honest and vulnerable. I ABSOLUTELY cannot love these people. Their love language is mostly action. A few people in my life can handle ‘Words of Affirmation’, and that is good enough for them. Others like Quality time with one another. 

    I’m not expecting anything by sharing my top Love Languages. To me they are simple—kind, motivating, encouraging, uplifting supporting words, spending quality time by actually communicating and talking about various things, going out places (Oh no, spending money?!) and also giving and receiving Gifts. They don’t have to be extravagant Gifts, yet I still appreciate being thought of. I will admit that I have given gifts to a lot of people I have loved. I have never been appreciated or ‘hit the mark’ with them. I call these people ‘pretentious’ and have to have the best of everything, specifically from specific people at times. I am laughing and rolling my eyes. When people cannot be loved, it’s time to leave. I don’t mean to sound negative or cynical, yet it’s true. You could try most of your Life, turn blue in the face, and expend all your energy trying to please these people, and you won’t ever succeed sadly. Mostly these people will Only be able to Love and give to themselves. RUN like the wind from these people!!! I am speaking from experience!!! 

   I just talked to my sister and it’s evident that she absolutely will not allow just anyone into her World. Are all Christians that way? Do some people truly limit the amount of Love that they receive? Are people all about just loving themselves once they have done it for so long? To anyone who is trying so hard to get someone to allow you into their World or to be loved by someone: PLEASE look in the mirror and say right then and there, “I WILL LOVE MYSELF and not wait for an f’n Soul or other person to love me!” Say it! Mean it! Live it! If you think this is Selfish, so be it. It’s time to step out of other people’s Shadows and not be a People-pleaser!!! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The “Perfect” Man?

The “Perfect” Man?

by | Apr 8, 2020 | Relationships, Self Improvement

“You won’t be able to walk away from me forever”, my father yelled after me when I had my final straw of his mentally and verbally abusing my mothers name to me. Ugh! I was twenty-one years old and decided I needed to find a man that I could possibly enjoy Life with. I was not having fun or loving Life and my relationship any longer with the first man in my Life. My father was a provider, a protector. He took me to doctor’s appointments. He took me shopping for School clothes. Ugh! I may just be a spoiled Daddy’s girl. For the record, there are many of us out there and as much I feel I don’t owe an apology to anyone who did not get the luxury of having a “good enough” or giving enough father figure out there, I am truly sorry. I have had many female friends who did not have a good enough Role model of a father and I had some friends that did have that Blessing. Everyone has their vision or definition of what that may mean. So needless to say, I made a decision to walk away from toxicity. Funny enough, as I would have to do later on in my Life. I had to walk away from abuse. I had to learn to give up the fairy tale of thinking someone could and would Save me. This ‘Saving me’ reminds me of one of my favorite well-known Life Coaches, Mel Robbins says in many of her YouTube videos, “No ones coming to Save you!” HA. Thanks Mel! <3  

Fairytales are GREAT. They allow you to open up your imagination. Some of them I even believed were real and possible. I suppose in some ‘small’ way that the goodness that may have come from the Happy endings could make anyone believe that the same thing would happen to them. This is EXACTLY how I felt with the book ‘Cinderella’. I really do not want to talk about it, other than I feel like a fool. I had read so many times that ‘Good things don’t last forever.’ I just ignored that it could not. I thought ‘Good things will come to those who Believe’, and I swear I didn’t steal that line. HA! I truly believed I’d have my Companionship and Happily Ever after Marriage. Oh my gosh, I disliked anyone who said that marriage was bad. I am rolling my eyes. Marriage really is not bad, it’s A LIFE LESSON! It’s Only bad if it’s abusive or one or both partners become selfish, yet there is room to heal. There’s room to Grow. You have to pick yourself up and Get out there and rediscover yourself. I may be one of the few people in the World that was grateful for my marriage. Everything to me is a learning and a growing opportunity. I believe we all must experience things in order to become a better version of ourselves. 

My first and Only husband (as I had not had any luck finding another husband after my divorce from him) was truly my second Knight and Shining armor. Go ahead, laugh. I laugh at myself as well. He was my dream man, yet maybe not in the way of good looking as I may have thought so many celebrity males that I found attractive or may have dreamed of being with someone who “looked a certain way”. By the way, I didn’t ever get that lucky to date a good looking enough man. I dated average looking men. HA! 

Some people get their “Once in a Lifetime” relationship. I succeeded. I won. I got it! And then it was time for a new Chapter. I finally closed the Search on the Chapter of finding the “Perfect man” after sixteen years of looking. I FINALLY realized, I am who I was always looking for. That’s Growth! That’s “finding Perfect”.